As the Boeing hit the scorching tarmac, the air was clouded with dust and a smell of Mumbai rented the surrounding, I knew I was back in India. After an excrutiating wait of 2 hours at the immigration and customs, I was too exhausted to express my exhiliration. Was it just the exhaustion? Even after two weeks in India, I do not quite feel at home yet.
Having stayed in a rather sterile environment for about six months, it was fairly disconcerting being enveloped by airborne particles and smoke and not particularly surprising that I eventually caught a flu. Presently I am very bewildered at the strange fears I have so subconsciously developed. There was a time when I had numerous caustic comments on my mom's over-cautious techniques of crossing the road: today I am on tenterhooks while doing so here, especially after having pressed a button and patiently waited my turn for the past six months.
Commuting to office is such an onerous task, that it is more stressful than my actual work at office. Earlier, I did not think twice before I did a triple somersault to get to office. At York, I was so accustomed to the high frequency of buses and proximity to the office that I rarely woke up scratching my head over how I would get to work. Of course I did wake up scratching my head over a lot of other mundane things like what I would carry for lunch or whether it was dress down day, which I do no more.
My stay abroad forced me to grow more and more detached and independent of people. I didn't need people to amuse me all the time and so it was easier for me to acclimatise myself to the tranquility in the true sense of the word. Further, I alone was answerable to my decisions. Honestly, unrestrained freedom can be very intimidating and invigorating at the same time. While it felt divinely elating to be in command all the time, there was also a nagging fear of becoming a rebellious tyrant once I returned to my Indian civilization. Fortunately, I haven't invited any complaints on that account so far.
As my previous posts might have amply indicated, I had infinite holes to pick in the British lifestyle. Most of it was out of an innate urge to keep myself rooted to my Indianness. I must admit that unlike most Indians I did not want to come across as an 'awestruck desi' in a foreign land and so I consciously chose to write about events and attitudes that peeved me. I did earn a lot of flak for all those relentlessly unforgiving rants, yet, they somehow balance out my 'Back there life's a lot easier, Ma' statements that I have lately subjected my mom to.
It would appear rather bizzare that the enormous emotional build up of returning home might have been reduced to a whimper when I actually did. Although I am physically present in India I guess it will take some time for me to mentally get back here.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
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7 comments:
Yes... I, too, have undergone the strengthening of self-reliance. I've learnt to go through my day-to-day life with no-one for company or help but myself. I no longer crave for companionship but grimly hang on to my new-found independence, as a birthright rather than a privilege. After all, there's work to be done and no-one to do it but me.
-SP
i can't believe this ! if i had written this post before you did, i would have written something really close to this....i flew back last week after 6 months of doing/feeling everything that u've mentioned :P...to reach india.... to currently feeling exactly the same :D...spooky :P...
In India I rub shoulders with people who have spent the last few decades of their lives making alien lands their homes, so much so that they could instantly transform themselves in attitude and style to match those of the people they called fellow mates. But what surprises me is the ease with which they get back to being Indians, thinking and behaving like the perpetual natives once they set foot in their homeland. Why, I wonder, are you grappling so hard to becoming something that you already are for six months is less than a dream in the pages of life to transform someone as radically as you claim you’ve been?
And home-coming, was it even an event? That the build up turned out to be bust is so very understandable, given the age of the telephone and the internet where distances shrink to the click of a button. You, I am sure were closer to home than any of your predecessors must have ever been!!
As far as the flu goes, please get well soon.
SP,
It is easy to become dependent on others for every teeny weeny task. Although self reliance and independence seems all hunky dory especially when you are a kid who is constantly tied down by rules others laid, it can be awfully frightening to be suddenly thrown into a 'free world'.
I must also admit that I took it as it came and earned a lot of respect not only among stop-gap roomies but also my male colleagues.
Coming to think of it more pragmatically I did have a lot of fun too!
Jagadish,
It feels very reassuring that I am not an oddball here. Let's hear your version of it too!
Hoh,
Like I said, I myself find this whole situation very bemusing. I do not claim to have radically transformed my attitude or personality! In fact, people who know me really well haven't yet seen an iota of change in me! Even so, I know something in me has metamorphosed and I am yet to discover what it is!
Agreed, we have all the means to maintain transcontinental communications, yet, all those put together can never replace hours of sitting on the kitchen counter and bantering with mom over a cuppa hot filter coffee.
The home-coming wasn't some grand pompous event and I would have been aghast if my parents did something like that!! What I meant was, it was something that I looked forward to so eagerly and it probably has got to do with the fact that I wasn't able to spend any 'quality time' with my folks eversince I've returned. Day 2 I am back at work busting my butt!
So how are you now ? Sore throat ?
howzit going girl?
So you are back. Just checked out your blog after a long time...
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